Spam

Dear Spam Blocker on My E-mail,

Please one day be smart enough to block e-mails from senders like "Recession Proof Opportunity", "POLICE ACADEMY" or "Crazy Slots."

And note that I said "senders" not "subjects." Think about it.

Me

CareerBuilder

Dear Weekly Job Match E-mail from CareerBuilder.com,

What about my resume makes you think I'm qualified for a job as a "Cryptologic Linguist" with the US Army?

Me

Public

Dear General Public,

Please knock before trying to get inside my head.

Me

Blog

Dear Blog,

Sorry I haven't updated you in a while. I've been dealing with allergies and a possible ear infection/swimmer's ear, plus I went to a wedding and have been addicted to television. I promise I'll make it up to by filling your white space with words so plump you'll vomit on the sidewalk and sentences so gorgeous that you'll sparkle like a stripper.

I love you.

Me

Recession

Dear Student Writing a Paper About the Economy,

Thank you for informing me that there is a recession going on. I had no idea. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get my portfolio out of the toilet.

Me

Criticism

Dear Co-Worker,

Two years ago you complained about me to my boss even though we'd never met. I assumed we had a mutual distaste for one another. But today you introduced yourself to me and asked me my name. You were very nice and cordial. I'm not sure what your game is, but I'm on to you.

Me

Tarts

Dear Pop Tarts from the Vending Machine,

Sorry I dropped you in public. I was trying to walk and look cool at the same.

Follow-up story: It didn't work out so well.

Me

Striptease

Dear Effeminate Male,

While I totally approve of your freedom of self-expression, I'm not really sure anyone wants to hear about how "Craaaaaaazy!" your Striptease class is.

Me

Sisqó

Dear "Thong Song,"

I'm not sure why you were stuck in my head this morning, but I'm glad you're gone.

Me

Roethlisberger

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,

Don't worry. I don't think your six-game suspension will have any affect on my fantasy football team. I didn't plan on drafting you anyway.

Me

Tea

Dear Tea Partiers,

You can protest all you want, but Barack Obama is still going to be black. I mean, President. He will still be President.

Me

Urinal

Dear Guy at the Urinal Next to Me,

While the bathroom may on the surface appear to be the ideal social locale, it truly isn't. So when you stood next to me at the urinal and said, "It's busy here today!" I'm sure you could understand my discomfort.

Me

Efron

Dear Zac Efron,

While I don't watch any of your movies* or read articles about you, I respect your existence and wish you luck in all your endeavors.

Me

* Okay, so maybe I did see Hairspray, but, in all fairness, I had absolutely no idea you were in it.

Hyundai

Dear Random Hyundai in the Mall Parking Lot that Looked Just Like Mine,

I apologize for putting my hands on you and trying to open your driver's side door. I don't mean to be racist, but all you silver Hyundai Elantras look alike.

Me

Iraq

Dear Vice President Joe Biden,

Today you announced the deaths of two Al Qaeda operatives, operational leader Abu Ayyub al-Masri and spiritual leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi.

Somehow I feel that bragging about killing a "spiritual leader" in a press conference doesn't sound quite so admirable.

Me

Chaps

Dear New Chaps Tie,

Thanks for looking great and thanks especially for making ME look great.

Me

Computer

Dear Computers,

I often hear about how far computers have advanced. Whether it's in the form of a PC or an Apple, I'm constantly bombarded with news of faster processors and larger hard drive space. But, in essence, all of this seems the same to me. I'll believe in this technological advancement the day that I can operate my PC with verbal commands.

Here is a hypothetical demonstration:

"Computer. Open 'Graduation Photos 2003'. Hold. Now zoom 25%. Stop. Zoom 50%. Hold. Rotate 10%. Close. Now, Computer, open Google. Search 'erotic novels.' Read The Temptress in the Clouds. Stop. Use alternate feminine voice. Preferably British."

Yes, that is the dream.

Me

Sneeze

Dear Nose,

If given the option, I would gladly give up my sense of smell in exchange for the guarantee that I would never sneeze, or have a runny nose, ever again.

Me

Google

Dear Google,

I'm sure you were a little flummoxed when I searched for the phrase "black female essayist buffy," but I assure you I had a good reason.

Me

Miranda

Dear Fellow Male,

Earlier this evening you went on a minor diatribe about the differences between several of the Sex & the City characters. Did you perchance hear that sound? That was me attempting to preserve your manhood by trying to change the subject.

Next time tone down the talk about how successful Miranda is, no matter how right you may be.

Me

Details

Dear Sam Worthington,

It's ironic that you are on the cover of Details magazine because when I saw the cover I immediately shouted, "Details!!!"



Me

Dream

Dear Subconscious,

Last night I dreamed I was a political aide working on Capitol Hill. Do you think it's possible that in an alternate universe I am indeed working on Capitol Hill? Or do you think that the dream has anything to do with the fact that I watched two episodes of The West Wing right before bedtime?

See you in dreams.

Me

Woods

Dear Tiger Woods,

I fear all this talk of golf and the Masters is going to take away from what's really important: your sex life.

Me

Coco

Dear Conan O'Brien,

Yesterday you announced your return to television this fall. Many predicted the network station FOX to be your new destination, but you ultimately chose TBS. I've been saying all along that FOX would be an ill fit for you because of the ratings challenge and the issue of clearing local affiliates. While my suggestion was to do a weekly show on HBO in the vein of Real Time with Bill Maher, I still think you made the right move with TBS. You don't owe me a thank you, by the way. Seeing you out of those Peacock shackles will be thanks enough.

Me

Frasier

Dear TV Section of IMDb,

Earlier today I read your synopsis of episode 4.18 of the sitcom Frasier entitled "Ham Radio." I couldn't help but wonder how a show called Frasier, named after its titular character, could have a summary where the main character is referred to as "Frazier." Have I missed something? Has Dr. Frasier Crane taken a respite and famed boxer Joe Frazier stepped in to go a few rounds on KACL? Please let me know. I await your reply.

Me

Insurance

Dear President Barack Obama,

Recently you have embarked on reforming health insurance. I think it's now time you transition into the next big issue: reforming auto insurance. I don't feel that I should be denied coverage because of pre-existing conditions, such as my propensity to drive while drunk or falling asleep on the highway.

I also don't feel that my car should be subjected to so-called "death panels" because of its pre-existing conditions like, for example, being a Hyundai.

I hope you'll consider this Mr. Obama. This is a serious issue and I plan on standing firm on the subject, unless I were to somehow have money come my way. At that point insurance wouldn't be such a big deal because I could just pay for someone to drive me. Thank you for your time.

Me

Spin

Dear Kid Dancing in the Store,

I initially wasn't feeling your dance moves, but then you spun around and bumped into a rack, and then fell on the floor. I actually enjoyed that bit. Next time start with that.

Me

Student

Dear Student,

Don't accuse me of embarassing you. You embarassed yourself.

Me

Vanity

Dear Owner of the Vanity Plate "M@$$AGE",

What do you do for a living?

Me

PS3

Dear PlayStation 3,

I know I keep promising to buy you one day, and I never do. Don't think I'm holding off in any attempt to hurt you personally. I've heard of the great games you have to offer. I've heard you can stream Netflix. I'm not sure how, but you can. And that amazes me. Just know that one day we'll be together and I'll rub my greasy hands all over your buttons. Stay safe.

Me

Girl

Dear Buff Guy at Harris Teeter,

I didn't mean to stare at your girlfriend. Honest. Please don't hurt me.

Me

Employment

Dear Full-Time Employment,

You should be hunting me instead.

Me

Breakfast

Dear Breakfast,

I think it's wasteful that you're served only in the morning.

Me

Library

Dear Michael Jordan,

Many of Charlotte's libraries are going to close. If you agree to pay the $2 million tab, I promise to stop telling people that you are an asshole.

Me

Gym

Dear Teenager-Working-Out-at-the-Gym,

There's no need for you to continuously turn around and stare at me while you're lifting weights. I'm not watching you.

Me

Hurt

Dear Student,

You wrote me a response to the movie "The Hurt Locker" and wrote the following sentence:

"It’s a good thing I wasn’t in charge, none of those terrorists would be coming back to camp with me."

I'm not sure what to say. Just thought it was interesting.

Me

Sandwich

Dear Jersey Mike's Cashier,

I know you were just doing your job, but please refrain from making me pay for my sandwich while another employee is asking me what I want on it. It's weird for me and weird for the guy making the sandwich. It's kind of like ordering a sandwich and then having a guy make you pay for it at the same time.

Okay, it's a little tough to make a real analogy because the actual situation is annoying in itself. But if I had to try, I'd say it's like Matt Damon giving a great performance on the set of his latest movie and then his agent off to the side says, "Hey, Matt? Matt! MATT! What are you wearing to the Oscars?"

Me

Angry

Dear Angry-Young-Man,

You asked me today to do you a favor. I said yes almost immediately. Not because you're a nice guy or because you deserve it, but because you kinda scare me and I was afraid of what you might do to me if I said no.

Me