Spam

Dear Spam Blocker on My E-mail,

Please one day be smart enough to block e-mails from senders like "Recession Proof Opportunity", "POLICE ACADEMY" or "Crazy Slots."

And note that I said "senders" not "subjects." Think about it.

Me

CareerBuilder

Dear Weekly Job Match E-mail from CareerBuilder.com,

What about my resume makes you think I'm qualified for a job as a "Cryptologic Linguist" with the US Army?

Me

Public

Dear General Public,

Please knock before trying to get inside my head.

Me

Blog

Dear Blog,

Sorry I haven't updated you in a while. I've been dealing with allergies and a possible ear infection/swimmer's ear, plus I went to a wedding and have been addicted to television. I promise I'll make it up to by filling your white space with words so plump you'll vomit on the sidewalk and sentences so gorgeous that you'll sparkle like a stripper.

I love you.

Me

Recession

Dear Student Writing a Paper About the Economy,

Thank you for informing me that there is a recession going on. I had no idea. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get my portfolio out of the toilet.

Me

Criticism

Dear Co-Worker,

Two years ago you complained about me to my boss even though we'd never met. I assumed we had a mutual distaste for one another. But today you introduced yourself to me and asked me my name. You were very nice and cordial. I'm not sure what your game is, but I'm on to you.

Me

Tarts

Dear Pop Tarts from the Vending Machine,

Sorry I dropped you in public. I was trying to walk and look cool at the same.

Follow-up story: It didn't work out so well.

Me