Employment

Dear Full-Time Employment,

You should be hunting me instead.

Me

Breakfast

Dear Breakfast,

I think it's wasteful that you're served only in the morning.

Me

Library

Dear Michael Jordan,

Many of Charlotte's libraries are going to close. If you agree to pay the $2 million tab, I promise to stop telling people that you are an asshole.

Me

Gym

Dear Teenager-Working-Out-at-the-Gym,

There's no need for you to continuously turn around and stare at me while you're lifting weights. I'm not watching you.

Me

Hurt

Dear Student,

You wrote me a response to the movie "The Hurt Locker" and wrote the following sentence:

"It’s a good thing I wasn’t in charge, none of those terrorists would be coming back to camp with me."

I'm not sure what to say. Just thought it was interesting.

Me

Sandwich

Dear Jersey Mike's Cashier,

I know you were just doing your job, but please refrain from making me pay for my sandwich while another employee is asking me what I want on it. It's weird for me and weird for the guy making the sandwich. It's kind of like ordering a sandwich and then having a guy make you pay for it at the same time.

Okay, it's a little tough to make a real analogy because the actual situation is annoying in itself. But if I had to try, I'd say it's like Matt Damon giving a great performance on the set of his latest movie and then his agent off to the side says, "Hey, Matt? Matt! MATT! What are you wearing to the Oscars?"

Me

Angry

Dear Angry-Young-Man,

You asked me today to do you a favor. I said yes almost immediately. Not because you're a nice guy or because you deserve it, but because you kinda scare me and I was afraid of what you might do to me if I said no.

Me